I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
