dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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