I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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