So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
