like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
