I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize