Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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