The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
