I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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