i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
