Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
