Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
what day is it and did you see me today?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
