fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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