conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
