I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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