So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
