I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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