like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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