i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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