I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
