I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
