I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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