hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize