You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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