I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need a beard to bite.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
