So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You left your underwear on the fireplace
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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