Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
