I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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