She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
