When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
sarcasm needs its own font
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
