It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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