You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
