I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
