when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
