You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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