Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
