Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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