Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
