Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
