my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
