Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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