okay pat passed out under dana's car
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
