this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
