So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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