the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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