if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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