I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
