I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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