6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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