the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
