So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
