Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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