she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
