i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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