Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
