dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so let's talk penis.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
