dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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