Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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