I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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