so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
